


Am I Evil?

by CarnivalofBrokenDolls (yourrhinestoneeyes)



Category: Gotham (TV)
Genre: Broken Ed, Crushes, Depression, Ed has feelings for Lee, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Lee worries about Ed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-15
Updated: 2017-10-15
Packaged: 2019-01-17 14:49:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,222
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12368058
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yourrhinestoneeyes/pseuds/CarnivalofBrokenDolls
Summary: Ed's concerned that Lee can't have feelings for him after all of the things that he's done, most of which he has no feelings of guilt over.





	Am I Evil?

Ed had a habit of falling into states of silence, normally it could be chalked up to fits of depression, that would certainly leave Lee worried. She couldn’t put herself in Ed’s shoes to completely understand what he was experiencing, but there were times that she would sit with him in his bedroom and watch him try to write riddles and poems, watch him try to do math equations that should be simple to solve, and she’d try to think what it would be like to just wake up suddenly unable to do things that used to come so easily. Losing all ability to do what made you feel important or useful, she knew it had to be Hell, and that was one of many reasons she wanted to help him. His states of depression often left her feeling concerned, she always knew they lead back to him being frustrated by his intelligence not magically returning, but lately he seemed distant and quiet for a different reason that she couldn’t quite place.

It left her with a sense of unease that for once she couldn’t read Ed, she of course wasn’t uneasy about him, or around him. Something in her head told her that he would never in a million years lay a hand on her, it wasn’t the fact she knew with little effort she could break his arm if he attempted to hurt her, it was the fact she knew he just wouldn’t even think of it. Something in her head said it was quite foolish and naïve to think that a man who took so many lives would never attempt to take hers, but she trusted him. What made her uneasy was how he seemed to suddenly be pulling away from her.

Normally in the mornings he would wake up early and join her for breakfast, cooking being on the list of things he was still quite capable of managing. He’d help her in the kitchen, the two of them would sit and discuss anything or everything over a nice breakfast. Suddenly that was no longer the case. She woke up first, she went to the kitchen and started on breakfast figuring he would join her, but he never did. She made enough food for them both, set a place for him at the table, and again she waited for him to join her. Still he didn’t emerge from his room, she felt a rising concern with each passing minute until she eventually got up and went back to his bedroom. She knocked on the door, gently calling his name hoping he would respond, but there was only silence. She gave it a minute before she opened the door and quietly entered the room closing the door behind her. 

Ed was still in his bed, the dark brown comforter was pulled up over his head, she could tell he was curled up tightly as if trying to hide and console himself.

“Ed?”

Still there was no response. Lee approached the bed, she carefully sat down next to him. She reached out and grabbed the end of the comforter slowly pulling it down to reveal his messy brown hair and then his face. His eyes were open, he was making a point of looking away from her.

“Eddie, hey I made breakfast.”

“Shouldn’t you knock before entering a person’s bedroom?” He asked ignoring her.

She felt a bit hurt by his words, but she didn’t let it show.

“I’m worried about you, you normally don’t stay in bed like this.”

Instinctively she pet her fingers through his hair brushing it out of his face, his eyes closed for a moment, and she noticed his features relaxing as she pet his hair.

“I just don’t feel like eating and I wish that you wouldn’t worry about me, there’s no reason for it.” 

“You need to eat, if you don’t then you’ll get sick, and you know that I always worry about you.”

Slowly he sat up, he continued to avoid looking at her, and now instead chose to look down at his hands that he kept folded on his lap.

“Why, I’m completely useless, I have nothing of value for you or anybody else. I’m not smart, I can’t be a villain, and I can’t even be a good person with a normal life anymore. I’m just….I’m just this idiot.” 

There was a tone of disgust in his voice as he spoke, he glared down at his hands balling them into fists. 

“You aren’t useless, we just need to keep working on things, and you’ll get better. You just need to keep trying, you’ve been doing so much better than when you first came here.” 

She would never forget how delusional and scared he had been, despite how much he had tried to pretend he was still intelligent it had been easy to see through him. He’d been a stumbling mess, relying on Grundy for nearly everything due to his own inability to properly defend himself.

“I remember you looking at me like I was a total idiot, I don’t understand why you brought me to your home, or why you’ve let me stay for the past two months. I must be a complete and utter burden to you in so many ways, I don’t mean to be.” He spoke softly, he smiled sadly.

Lee placed a hand over top of his, she smiled softly when he took hold of her hand. She watched as he ran his index finger over the large engagement ring from Mario, a ring she refused to take off no matter what.

“You aren’t a burden, I love having you around.” 

She sighed and looked away from him, “It’s been lonely ever since Mario was murdered. Everybody began treating me like I was crazy, like I was against them, because I couldn’t just go with the program, and after the Tetch virus….I felt I had no choice but to come here, I thought maybe being here would make me feel less like a monster, but it hasn’t done much other than make me lonelier. I’m happy you came along, being near somebody I used to know has been quite nice.” 

She looked back to him, he continued to look down at their joined hands. He looked less guarded and frustrated now, there was just this look of sadness in his big brown eyes.

“D-do you think I’m evil?” He asked, he looked up at her, and she could see a bit of fear in his eyes.

“No, why would I?”

He furrowed his brow as if frustrated, she remained silent letting him try to think through what he was wanting to say.

“I…The things that I did, what I did to Kristen. I know you told me that you forgive me for that, but I-I can’t forgive myself. I used to be able to excuse it, to tell myself reasons why what I did to her was okay, wasn’t my fault, but it was my fault. I killed her, I-I killed so many people, and I don’t even regret most of them if I’m honest. I just….You’re such a good person, that’s why I can’t….” He trailed off averting his eyes.

She could see him wanting to hide away from her again, but she wasn’t going to let him. She gave his hand a gentle squeeze.

“Ed, you know that I don’t judge you for who you are or who you used to be. I can’t, I have no right to judge you for your crimes after the things I’ve done and the urges that I’ve had. You aren’t evil and I know that you regret killing Kristen, it’s such a huge step that you accept responsibility for her death. You aren’t evil.”

He looked back to her, tears filling his eyes, he blinked forcing them to roll down his cheeks. There was this sense of desperation and fear to him, he seemed suddenly more fragile than he normally was. Lee placed a hand against his cheek, her thumb brushing away the tears that scrolled down his skin. She smiled softly as he leaned into her touch, there was something so sweet about him. There were possibly too many moments she still saw the lanky man from the GCPD who would assist her every chance he got, the one who apologized every few minutes even when he’d done nothing wrong. 

Ed moved closer to her, his face now only a few inches away from hers. She could feel his warm breath against her skin, she moved her hand to the back of his neck stroking her fingers over the short hairs there. 

“I want to kiss you, but I’m not sure if I should.” He whispered.

She smiled, fingers brushing up through his hair.

“It’s okay, I want you to kiss me.”

He returned her smile, a look of relief on his face before he closed the space between them pressing his lips against hers. The kiss was gentle and a bit unsure, she kissed him back a bit surprised by how soft his lips felt against her own. Her fingers tangled in his hair, fingers rubbing against his scalp as they continued to kiss. She could feel her heart beating faster, she felt a way she hadn’t for such a long time, but even then, she wasn’t quite sure she’d felt this way before. Ed broke from the kiss resting his forehead against hers, he placed his hand on her hip letting his fingers brush along her side.

“Was that okay?” He quietly asked.

“That was very okay.”

She trailed her fingertips along his jawline, her index finger brushing across his bottom lip. She grinned when he pressed a kiss against her finger, he gently held her wrist pressing kisses against each of her fingers then against her knuckles. He wrapped his arm around her waist pulling her against him, he laid back on the bed pulling her on top of him. She settled against him, her hands against his chest as she leaned down to kiss him deeply, she found herself smiling against his lips. His fingers brushed through her hair pushing it back over her shoulder as they continued to kiss, she teasingly nipped his bottom lip drawing a soft groan from him. She moved from his lips to press a kiss to his cheek, she pulled back smiling down at him feeling happier than she had in some time. Ed smiled back at her, he let his fingers trail across her cheek as he sighed in relief.

“I was so scared you wouldn’t want me.” 

“Is that why you’ve been hiding from me?”

Ed looked away, he nodded.

“I know it’s stupid, but I just knew if I was around you I would end up telling you how I feel. Then you would have rejected me and I would have felt like a complete ass.”

She leaned down kissing his forehead then the tip of his nose, “I didn’t reject you though, I was so worried that perhaps you didn’t like me anymore.”

“No, I, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean for you to think that way, I like you very much. I’m really sorry, it was rude of me to avoid you….I was just scared, I didn’t really know what to do.”

She gently shushed him, “It’s okay, you don’t have to apologize for the way you feel. I really did miss your company, I’ve gotten so accustomed to having you with me.”

“I won’t go anywhere, I mean so long as you want me to be here with you…I don’t mind, I like it here with you, I like it a lot in fact.” 

She smiled, “I like having you here with me.” 

She kissed him gently, there was something so gentle and sweet about kissing him. There was something in the way he touched her that made her feel like she was special, she felt more human again. She honestly even felt like she might be falling in love with him and that was a scary thing to realize, but kissing him made it feel so very right.

Lee broke from the kiss, she moved off him and got up from the bed despite the fact she easily could have spent the rest of the day there with him. She took hold of his hands pulling him up, he groaned protesting slightly to the idea of being dragged from the comforts of his bed.

“Come on, I made breakfast for us, and I was serious that I want you to eat something so that you don’t get sick. After we eat we can come back here and just spend the day in bed together if you like.”

He smiled getting up from the bed, he wrapped his arms around her holding her close against him. The way he looked down at her was something special, he leaned down kissing her, and she could feel her heart skip a beat. As they kissed she realized she was more than willing to do anything and everything she could to help him, he trusted her as much as she trusted him, and she was willing to try and help the man she was falling in love with.


End file.
